That sounds great! I’d really love to continue this discussion. We’ll catch up sometime. (And other famous last words.)

...These are some ways I’ve experienced the ‘fob-off’.

I worked for a woman who was great at being chirpy, listening attentively and somehow making you feel appreciated, even when you knew you were an insignificant cog in the great machine that was my workplace. I once had a suggestion to do something - let’s say it was an awareness day for colour-blind possums – and when I proposed the idea, my boss smiled and said, “Great idea! Why don’t you draft up a plan and email it to me and we’ll get some feedback from the others.”

So, encouraged by this little carrot of attention dangling in front of me, I thought and researched ways in which the staff and clients could all engage in learning about the plight of the poor colour-blind possum. I did up a plan, formulated flyers and then sent my kernels of creativity to the boss, eagerly anticipating the rapturous excitement this would generate. Of course, I never heard a single thing back, from the other staff or from my boss. Perhaps it would have been nicer for someone to tell me straight up: “That plan sucks!” or even, a more diplomatic: “It sounds kind of interesting, but honestly, I don’t think it will work with the others.”

But this is the society we live in. Somehow it is part of etiquette to lie in order to risk offending. Perhaps the lies are more to protect the person doing the lying rather than the one to whom the deception is made. I think there is a bit of pride involved when people always want to be seen as ‘the good guy’ – the one who always says yes, the one who doesn’t disagree, and the one who doesn’t challenge those who rub you up the wrong way. It’s admirable, but what if it is just downright unhelpful? There comes a time when someone has to say, “Your incessant talk is assaulting my ears and I just can’t take it anymore. Please stop.” And that could be the turning point that they need, to learn how to stop the verbal diarrhoea.

I had heard of a sly way to cut rambling people off in mid-conversation while on the phone. Of course if you just hang up on them, they will get horribly offended so therein lies the dilemma of not knowing how to stop a long-winded conversation without the inevitable backlash. But no-one would suspect a person of sabotaging their own dialogue – I mean, who would cut themselves off? So I had the opportunity to test this out one day when a particularly challenging friend rang me.

So you may think, if he was a friend, why couldn’t I bear to listen to his conversation? Normally, he was okay and a funny enough person, but sometimes, his talk wandered to philosophy, the existence of aliens, the cosmic planetary alignments and the meaning of life. I think there may have been a certain ‘herbal’ cigarette involved and so it was really difficult - even with my enormous intelligence and ability to think laterally - to follow his train of thought after a few hours. (You know those phone conversations where your ear goes sore after holding the phone to it for too long, and you have to change sides.)

To cut a long story short, I began my cunning plan and launched into a point: “Hey, but did you know a really interesting thing I found out-“ and put the receiver down. I walked away from the phone feeling only mildly guilty. There was no return phone call to see what had happened, and as for our friendship… let me see… Hmmm, well… since I haven’t spoken to this friend for about 20 years, perhaps there was a teeny side-effect.

But even without one person being totally annoying, the rest of us ‘normal’ people still struggle with our public personas and how to keep our reactions courteous without being complete frauds. I mean, how can we talk to people without offending them at least some of the time? A dilemma that raises its ugly head is when a well-meaning person asks if I would drop over and catch up sometime. In my head, I think, “But I don’t really know you that well, and I’m not sure we have much in common…” I visualise the two of us sitting at a table, silently sipping our respective cuppas, gazing out the window… “Nice day,” I might remark. “Mmm, yes,” they would respond. “It is good to have some clear weather for a change.” Then I would nod in agreement and furtively look at the clock on the wall… oh, it’s been only 9 minutes since I arrived… how long until I can politely leave?

All this runs through my head while the other party is waiting for my response. And so of course, I say, “Okay, sure.” And a year later, I think of my consent and feel guilty for not following through, but not being the slightest bit motivated to meet with that acquaintance.

If only we could predict the outcome of our social engagements like we find on the weather forecast. Probability of managing to find a mutually beneficial time to meet: 40%. Probability of enjoying the conversation: 15%... Hmm, might be better to stay home and read a book. And with these statistics we can just print out a report and hand it to the other as justification for not ‘doing lunch’. I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s not me: it’s science – it just won’t work.

And that’s the problem with this polite small talk and not being able to speak honestly - we really don’t know if someone has a genuine interest in us or not. I remember when I first started to get acquainted with my hubby. He seemed attentive, and he said to me, “Drop in any time.” Now you know and I know that people say that all the time… but who really means it? Is everyone really that casual and laid-back that they wouldn’t mind if you called in at 7am while they’re still in their jimmy-jams? Or if you came to have a talk every afternoon for a week?

So in lieu of any revelation that helped me decide, I thought I’d take my not-yet hubby at face value. I did drop in to have a chat, and got to know him better. But even while it seemed like we had a developing relationship, something at the back of my mind niggled: What if he’s just being polite? Because he’s friendly to everyone. Maybe he just doesn’t want to offend by telling me to get lost…

But after a year of dropping in and hanging out together, we got married – so I guess if he was just being polite, it’s probably too late now.

There are so many more illustrations I could use of how we parry with each other in the social arena and the workplace, each party never knowing quite what the other party really means, and forever wondering how to just politely say “No, I am not interested.”

Perhaps we should start practising the following statements so it comes easier for us and thus lets everyone know our honest reactions once and for all:

“That idea sucks.”

“No, I don’t want to play croquet with your group of friends. I have a more stimulating morning planned doing my tax return.”

“I appreciate your enthusiasm for the project but I cannot see how a focus group for recycling teabags will help the productivity of our business – considering how we are Surf Life Saving Club.”

Okay, so now we have some ideas, let’s get cracking on being assertive, honest, and most of all, let’s not fob someone off with a glib cliché.

What’s that – you want to discuss this over lunch? Okay… but hey - where are you going? Don’t you want to hear more? Oh, sure, you’ll call me. Yep - I’ll be waiting… 

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