There’s an old song from Transvision Vamp with a chorus that goes: “I don’t want your money, Honey – I want your love.” I guess love is not all it’s cracked up to be, because most people seem to prefer money. We’ve had two calls from charities yesterday soliciting funds for their cause. Fortunately we have our phone number on the ‘Do Not Call’ register so we no longer get the calls from telemarketers that announce I have won a NEW mobile phone!! (…But only if I will join their network and sign up for internet as well.)

I used to stop them in their tracks, with a “No thanks.”

“But, it’s a new phone - don’t you want a new phone? We have a wonderful deal for you.”

“We live in the bush so we don’t use the 3G network.”

“Oh, but 97% of Australia can access the 3G network.”

“We can’t,” I assure the telephonist.

“Let me check. What suburb do you live in?”

“There’s no suburb. We live in the bush, not in a town.”

“Okayyyy…” The telemarketer consults their manual. “How about you give me your address – I’ll check it on our map.”

Big sigh as I begrudgingly oblige. Long pause as the computer gives its results.

“Oh… it seems you don’t have coverage.”

“No.” Now this is awkward...

Of course, after going through that a few times, I gave up and politely said No, while lowering the receiver.

But now we only have reputable charities asking us to buy raffle tickets to raise funds for their no-doubt very worthwhile group. And strangely enough, most of these charities have initialled names – the SES, RFS, RSPCA, ASIO… 

Actually, no; that last one doesn’t make phone calls asking to take your money – they just take you away, and then interrogate you for days and drop you off in an unknown town on the other side of Australia. Well, so I’ve heard. Not that I have any friends involved in illegal activity, or anything. Hmmm. Wow, is it hot in here?

I don’t mind giving money to charity because there are certainly heaps of disadvantaged people out there that need our help. And the millions of poor and homeless in Pakistan right now are one group high on the priority list. When you consider the deaths of children due to diarrhoea and dehydration, malnourishment, and disease, it just breaks your heart.

So when someone calls and asks me to support some association called the Women’s Hormonally Impaired Nagging Group and Existential Reading Society (WHINGERS), I have a few doubts. Women’s hormonally impaired nagging – sure, but existential reading? Now that’s just going a bit far. I’m not sure I even know what the word means. Reading. R-E-A-D-I-N-G. I think it’s got something to do with books and stuff.

The weird thing is that these soliciting phone calls all come at once. It’s almost as if one charity goes through the list marked ‘Easy targets’ and gives us a call, then passes the list on to the next charity with the challenge, “I got them to buy 5 tickets – see if you can top that!” But that makes me wonder: how do they pass on the information so quickly? One call came just an hour or so after the first one. Perhaps they are all in the same call centre, with the different charities represented by one fundraising group – Funds R Us. It’s possible.

One thing we discovered after receiving some lucky ticket numbers in the mail was the teeny tiny fine-print at the bottom of the page that disclosed the money for the relevant charity was being solicited by a fundraising company, which takes ‘no more than’ 40% of the income to cover their costs. So, mathematician that I am, I deduced the charity only got about 60% of what we’d pledged. And we wanted those poor, deprived Hormonally Impaired Naggers to get all of the money!

But you know, money isn’t everything. Money can’t buy you love… and perhaps those Naggers just need a good dose of warm fuzzies and encouraging comments. Next time someone calls on behalf of the NAGGERS I’ll say I’m directing my money to the people who have lost their homes overseas, and as for the NAGGERS, I’ll send a loving card to them instead. Maybe they can make it part of their existential reading homework.

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