My teenage daughter recently came home to share the exciting news she’d learnt at school. Apparently, people actually come to Stanthorpe to enjoy the cold! She has been learning about creating websites for local businesses and was surprised to discover one of the most annoying aspects of the Granite Belt is its main attraction.

For it is now ‘Brass Monkey Season,’ wherein it is so cold, it’d freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And I know some educated person has pointed out that the brass monkey in question is an instrument on a ship. But hey, the ocean is a good 3 hours away, so it’s quite clear no-one was thinking of marine instruments when they used the phrase around here. I think you know and I know what’s really going on.

Meanwhile, it is strange that so many people get all excited about winter coming – sure, there’s the log fires, the crispness in the air… but what about frozen water pipes, stoking the fire at 4am, chilly toilet seats, ‘lazy’ wind that tears straight through you, and my personal favourite – runny noses that leave you with crusty nostrils that you don’t notice until after you’ve had a good chat to four people down the street, who curiously couldn’t look you in the eyes but kept staring off into the distance, as if checking for rain.

When I first moved to Stanthorpe about 12 years ago, directly from a lovely beach location on the Tropic of Capricorn, I whinged about the cold. I really whinged, and then I whinged some more. Finally, after a winter of that, and noticing that my complaints hadn’t changed the temperature one bit, I decided I would have to get used to it. Not just resign myself being miserable, but to make a firm strategy about dealing with the cold. I bought some woollen thermal underwear and socks and got quite toasty indeed. Life seemed a whole lot better when I could walk down the street without shuddering and crying from the pain of frozen extremities.

Another piece of wise advice I am continually hearing from people about dressing for winter is that you ‘layer’. Layering will solve all your problems, apparently. Unless of course, you are fashionably challenged like me, and the concept of putting two items together in a co-ordinated manner brings on a panic attack. I don’t mind wearing any old daggy clothes for home but going into town means I must scrub up for public viewing.

I have not yet reached the depths of ‘casualness’ - or in other words, lack of self-respect – where I can walk down the main street wearing trakky daks and ug boots and feel that I’ve made a decent effort of getting dressed. So in lieu of that wardrobe option I have to wear jeans of some sort (or a skirt if I am getting fancy) and then a top. Not too hard, but then there’s the layering deal. The shirt may be short sleeved, so I definitely need a jumper or cardigan. Then what if the cardigan is too hot – then I need an in-between long-sleeved shirt/jacket that can go over my T-shirt. That’s only three layers and already I am breaking out in a sweat just thinking about it. Because each layer needs to co-ordinate colour-wise with the jeans. When in doubt, wear blue and brown. But then purple is nice, as is pink and green… and I have a nice stripy top that I haven’t worn for a while… Oh the decisions, the decisions!

So anyway, having figured out what to wear on my top half, I also have the problem of keeping my legs warm. Because if you spend more than 5 minutes walking around the streets doing errands, then that naughty polar wind will pluck away any semblance of body heat you have. So I choose to wear leggings under my jeans (my thermal long-johns have long since ceased to fit – somehow they must have shrunk?? It can’t be because I have put on weight after having another two kids) and then this whole layering theory falls apart.

When you ‘layer’ you can go out in four layers of distinct but harmonious sets of clothing and just peel off each layer as you warm up. Great plan, but how does that work for jeans and leggings? Can you really step into a heated shop and think, “Hmm… this is cosy, I guess I’ll just whip my jeans off and walk around in my skin-tight bulge-hugging leggings.” Can you? More to the point, would you want to?

Oh, the struggles of life!

Meanwhile, people in another part of the world are huddling around a tin of burning cow-dung trying to get warm and wondering if they can melt some ice for lunch.

I’m sure there’s a moral there somewhere. 

Comments (0)